Friday, August 30, 2019

The Power of the Blog

Wonder of wonders: they turned the fountain back on.

No announcement, no fanfare, no apology. It just came on one day. And now that the hot weather is back, the children are gamboling in it once more—along with, one must assume, their sun-cream and danger of falling.

Granted, there was an outcry, and articles and letters in the local papers, and angry/sarcastic comments on the town’s website and Facebook pages. But the thing that pushed it over, the deciding factor that made them say, “All right, already! We’ll turn the sodding fountain back on!” must have been my blog post. I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it? They turned it off, I did a blog post about it, they turned it on; cause/effect. I’m stunned, elated, humbled and a little bit anxious.

Fountain before Blog
Fountain after Blog
As Uncle Ben told Spiderman, “With great power comes great responsibility.” I can’t ignore this newfound ability to make governments bend to my will, and I must use it for good. But what should I turn my attention to next? Brexit? Lord knows it needs some sorting out. Trump? Ditto. The Middle East? They could have peace at last, and with peace comes McDonald’s, KFC and ASDA; a win-win-win. And what about the Climate Crisis? Should I use my power to tackle that?

No, I think I need to turn my attention closer to home, toward those everyday things that are the bane of civilized men and women everywhere. Therefore, I request that the appropriate governments pass the following laws:

  • If a market sells hamburgers or hot dogs in packages, they must also sell packages of buns with the same number of buns. Failure to comply will allow customers to take as many packages as they wish in order to achieve bun-parity, and they will only be charged for the initial package.

In case you went to school after 1970 and don't have your smart phone handy,
you would be allowed 8 packages of hot-dogs (real ones, not tofu substitutes) and 5 packages
of buns to make a 1:1 ration of  hot-dogs to buns.

  • People who park like idiots should be chained to their vehicles for three days and made to apologize to everyone who passes by the blocked parking spaces. For every person the offender fails to apologize to, and extra day will be added to their sentence

  • Grossly over-sized carry-on luggage should be placed in the offender’s seat with the offender standing next to it. During the flight, the offender’s seat number will be announced, and passengers will be encouraged to “Tsk tsk” them.
That is easily twice the size of my carry-on.
Who is letting these people get away with this? Find them and
arrest them, as well.

  • These people just need to be shot.

That will do for a start. So, if the appropriate powers can put Brexit aside for a moment and turn their attention to the above, I (and everyone else in the civilized world) will appreciate it very much.


  1. Ummm....wouldn't 4 packages of hot hogs fill up 5 bags of buns evenly? I'm not sure, having attended US public schools during the 1970s. Enjoy the rest of your summer!

    1. Thanks for pointing that out. I seem to have made a typo (yes, it was a typo--that's my story and I'm sticking to it).
      Also, it would not be 4 packages of hot dogs, but 8:
      The lowest common denominator for Dog/Buns would be Dogs*Buns, or 5*8=40. Therefore, you would need 8 packages of Hot Dogs (8*5=40) and 5 packages of Buns (5*8=40) to achieve a 1:1 Dog:bun ration.

    2. No typo here, Mike. I made the incorrect assumption of 10 dogs per pack, whilst your photo clearly shows 5!

    3. Yes, if it had been a 10-pak, your calculation would have been correct.

  2. "But what should I turn my attention to next?" The small things (hot dogs, parking, luggage, etc.) may need your attention (having just come from many hours of flying and changing planes, I don't know what airline would allow THAT as a carry-on) - but I do think it wouldn't hurt to go after all those big things you mentioned. I doubt if it would do any good (nothing seems to), but it can't hurt...

    1. That's what I figured--I'd be wasting my time trying to convince politicians to do something useful.