Friday, June 24, 2016

The End of The Universe

No, this isn’t about the EU Referendum. If you want to read people’s thoughts on our decision to drop out of the world’s largest economic and financial community to set up a mom-and-pop store on a side-street, you can go almost anywhere else on the web.

Besides, I expect you’re all as sick of pundits second-guessing the causes and consequences as I am, so no discussion of the UE Referendum here. Nuh uh, not on my watch. Instead, I’m going to tell you about the demise of The Rising Universe, aka the Shelly Fountain.

Don’t panic, they mean the fountain. Kevin Griffin and his Cars are safe.
The Fountain has been an ache in the town’s tush almost since the day they bought it 20 years ago. When I first arrived, the romance was still pretty fresh and the Fountain was well-cared for, happy, and busily going about its daily business—being a landmark of the town.

See, you think of Horsham, you think of The Fountain. (Ironically, I found this article on the day
they started taking it down.)
But, alas, the romance was not to continue in that happy state for long. You see, The Fountain was a bit like a trophy wife. Horsham was lucky to get her. In fact, she’d had her eye on a much sexier town (Cambridge) but he saw her for what she was and wisely decided to stop answering her texts. So she came to Horsham. The conservative market town couldn’t believe his luck and took her on before realizing what a high maintenance gal she was.

And that’s when things began to fall apart. “You never pay attention to me anymore,” The Fountain would whine. “You need to spend more money on me. I can’t go out looking like this! I need a new dress.”

So stodgy old Horsham, unable to appease his glamorous young bride, began spending more and more time in his garden shed, paying little attention to his increasingly acrimonious wife. (One has to wonder if he discovered her secret, but ignored it and hoped it would go away.)

[Begin Long Side Note]

The Fountain’s secret, by the by, is extremely well kept. I think I am the only one who knows it. Well, me and my barber. I wrote a blog post about it back when Horsham finally cut off The Fountain’s allowance and they began having sparky conversations about where their relationship was going. This happened, I might add, some seven years ago.

But I can’t blame Horsham for taking so long, though; nothing like The Fountain was likely to come along again and I’m sure we’ve all let an old romantic partner hang around even though the relationship has become toxic. You know it’s over, but you don’t have the courage to put a bullet through its head. (The relationship, not the partner. Unless, of course, you’re in Texas.) Relationship Inertia: we’ve all been there.

Here’s the link to that post, if you can’t figure out The Fountain’s secret for yourself. Skip to the bottom, it’s a long and rambling post and only tangentially about The Fountain.

[END Long Side Note]

Anyway, something finally snapped and Horsham has given The Fountain the shove. In truth, it never could have worked. Horsham was disillusioned with The Fountain and lacked the will to keep Her in the style which she demanded. So she’s gone. She’s left a hole, but time and some emotional distance will help fill that in. Not to mention a few Council Workers.

Taken today: Yeah, she’s a planter now. How fitting.
So now it’s over, and Horsham is left shaking his head, wondering what he could have done to make it right. But it’s sort of like the EU and the UK. At first the UK was treated well and things were going along smoothly, but then the EU got a little...bossy. It wasn’t much, at first, just the usual, “I don’t want you wearing that dress. Why did you put on that shade of lipstick? Are you going to make me punish you? It’s not my fault, you know, you make me do it…”

And soon EU was treating us like his bitch, and, well, where do you turn? Who can you tell? Oh, it was so…humiliating…(sniff)…sorry…sorry…

(take a moment)

Anyway, like Horsham, UK finally put her foot down. She arranged an intervention and, gripping ‘the talking pillow’ in her lap, she told her pushy boyfriend just what she thought of him.

Taken Last Week: The slowly decaying fountain, or a metaphor for the EU.Take your pick.
So the EU—um, I mean, The Fountain, this is about The Fountain—is gone now. Those long painful years of having the external reminders of a shattered relationship staring Horsham in the face are now over, and already the Bishopric looks a lot nicer. So, well done Horsham and Fountain, for finally working out your differences and moving on.

Let’s hope the same happens for EU and UK.

If you’re been effected by any of the issues raised in this blog, please visit:

Relationship Violence
Signs of Domestic Violence

or call the HotLine: 00 800 6 7 8 9 10 11


  1. A nice bronze statue of Shelley would have lasted forever!

    1. At least something to commemorate Shelley -- they even took the plaque off of it so no one knows what it used to be.

  2. PS - Does mean that La Piazzetta is now The restaurant at the end of the universe? ;-)

    1. Ha! I suppose it does. Someone should notify them.