Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Modern Anxiety

We have a lot to be anxious about, us modern folk. In ages past, anxieties were more severe, but the anxieties, themselves were fewer in number.

Granted, they were more likely to happen, and the consequences were less forgiving, but once you learned to live with the notion that you might die of the plague, or that the crops might fail, or that barbarians might sweep through the valley, life just pretty much bumped along without any surprises.

Anxieties today, while not as extreme, are many, and like the proverbial straws being piled on the back of the proverbial camel, the accumulation can escalate to lethal proportions.

“Is there enough muesli in the cupboard or should I stop and get more after work?” hardly compares to, “Will the children die of cholera” But if you pile up enough minuscule anxieties, they can still add up to a heart attack, especially if you’re not eating your muesli.

Muesli: eat it or die.
We are such an anxiety-ridden people, it’s a wonder we can face the day. Here is just a sample of things that cause our 21st Century, first-world stress levels to escalate:

Unattended Luggage
Unattended luggage: it's a killer.
Used to be, if you took your eyes off your suitcase, someone would nick it. Now, they call the NSA, the CIA, the FBI, NCIS and a SWAT Team to clear the area, surround it with bomb-resistant materials and blow up the three shirts, two pair of trousers and bag of dirty knickers in your Wal-Mart Carry-on case.

Swarthy Men With Beards
Beards; favored by murderers
Come on, admit it, even this guy makes you a little uneasy.

Expiration Dates
Don't eat it after the Use By Date or you'll die.
Remember back before the government brain-washed us into believing we ourselves don’t actually have the brains to know when the milk has gone off?

Standing Water
Standing Water: touch it and die.
See this fountain? Water used to come close to the edge, but they were afraid some kids might touch it. So they made a border out of decorative stones and kept the water further away. But then they were afraid it wasn’t far enough away, and someone still might touch it. So they emptied the fountain.


Okay. I’ll give you this one.

Slippery Surfaces
Slip and die!
We get the message; one sign would have done it.

Water Vapor
Even if they don't give you caner, they can still annoy you to death.
“I know it’s only water vapor but it certainly looks like cigarette smoke so if I sit too close to it I’m sure to catch cancer and die.”

99.9% of Bacteria
Use it or die.

Because bacteria will kill you...

Not Having Enough of the Other .01%
Yakult: drink it or die.

...except for this kind.

Strong language
It's okay, you can read this, it's safe.
So deadly we have to rely on computer applications to keep us safe from it.

Now stop your worrying and lighten the fuck up! But be sure to eat your Muesli. 


  1. That muesli looks revolting. I think I'd rather die than eat that. As for beards, I keep seeing young guys with straggly beards around the place - ugh. They could at least keep them neatly trimmed. It's like they're TRYING to look like murderers. I'm just glad my son can't quite grow one yet.

    1. I had to really look to find muesli that revolting -- usually it looks quit yummy!

  2. You forgot one... the hooded sweatshirt!

    1. How did I let that one slip by me?!?!?!!? ;)